“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a divorced man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of another wife.”

Remarriage is undoubtedly becoming a less taboo subject matter. Despite divorce being a tiring and hurtful process, not all divorcees give up on love, or indeed the institute of marriage.

Although many may not feel comfortable wearing their “Marriage Record” on their sleeve, being divorced these days is nothing to feel ashamed of. This particularly applies to re-entering the dating world. From an outsider’s perspective, there are undoubtedly advantages of dating a divorcee. For example, someone who has already been down the aisle is likely to have made relationship mistakes and learned from them.

Generally speaking, people nowadays are more accepting of divorce and remarriage. However, prejudice against divorcees is still present. With negative labels pinned on the previously married community such as ‘career divorcee’ and ‘serial divorcee’ some may find it difficult to even consider looking for love again. However, it is important to remember that every divorce and relationship is different according to the individuals involved. Remarriage and even just dating after divorce may not be for everyone, but one should never say never when it comes to finding love.

For those who are itching to get remarried, it is vital to check with your divorce lawyer the exact process. It is not as simple as you may think. In order to remarry you must be separated for twelve months and a day. You must also wait out the ‘decree nisi for dissolution of marriage’ period which is normally one month. In some cases, the Court may wish to see further evidence that you have done as much as you possibly can to save your previous marriage.

Imagine the scenario; you are in the middle of a divorce…. you’re frazzled, tired, upset and downbeat. In the settlement you agree to give your partner that old stack of books that stands like a dusty monument in the spare room, after all why would you want them?

Some weeks later you find out that each of those ratty novels was a rare first addition worth £5,000… it’s an unlikely situation but not an impossible one and it highlights the need for adequate appraisals in the divorce process. While it is typical for divorcing couples to put effort and energy into appraising the value of their home, it is much rarer for its contents to be as effectively scrutinised against the market. The only way that a settlement can be truly representative of a divorcing couple’s assets, and be divided in which ever manner they choose, is if their material goods have had a clear valuation. The value of old antiques and other possessions can be surprisingly high and, if this proves true for you, that will invariably affect the way you go about the divorce proceedings.

It may seem like an additional costs at a time when you really don’t need one, the price of evaluation can range hugely but often communities host ‘appraisal days’ which are cheaper, but it could well save you a lot of money in the long run.

Many divorce solicitors will be able to ‘point you in the right direction’ in terms of finding a qualified appraiser, and it means that you will be able to embark on the ragged road of divorce as an informed and empowered party. Going into a settlement with no idea of the value of your shared accumulated material goods is like fighting blind; dangerous and, eventually, painful. Divorces are inherently expensive, with some people arguing over settlements for months, but knowing exactly what everything’s market value is can cut down on time arguing over settlement agreements considerably. This applies most obviously to big, expensive items which you have acquired throughout the course of the marriage; but it may also be a good idea to take along any antiques or things which may be of historic significance - as these may well be the most surprisingly valuable. Appraisals are just one step in protecting your personal assets, but it is a simple and often overlooked one.

You cannot put a price on the love and laughter and lessons learnt in a marriage, or on the things you found out about yourself in its decline, or on the new person you will become after the divorce storm has died down and you have rebuilt your life from the wreckage. You can’t appraise years of memories or the heart-ache of having to say good-bye; but you can learn the value of each of your possessions, and after all that is all they are, and use that information to help make the settlement process a swift, precise and fair one.

Many people go through a ‘grieving period’ when their divorce takes place. The death of a relationship can be felt as deeply as the death of a loved one. While it is quite natural to grieve in this way, there may be occasions when prolonged grieving becomes counter productive, even maladaptive - and this can start to cause problems in relationships with friends and family.

It’s often all too easy to continue to muse over the ‘what ifs’ of any relationship: what if I had said this, what if we had done that. Becoming preoccupied with events that might have taken place or conversations that never happened can be as futile as continuing with the ‘blame game’. Putting things into some kind of perspective often helps.

Good Times

In any relationship there are normally good times and bad times, good years and bad years. When things go wrong we tend to focus on the bad times. Thinking about the good times can give you more resources to cope with the change happening in your life. For example, if you had five happy years with your ex-partner, think about all the people who never get that amount of happiness in any relationship. The fact that you have had good times is also an indication of your success at building relationships – and this is of paramount importance for the future.

Re-framing

This way of re-examining relationships is called re-framing. Re-framing gives us an opportunity to look at the way we approach situations and to change problems into opportunities. One of the ways in which we can do this is to examine the statements we make about our lives to other people, and ourselves, and try to restate these in more positive terms. For example, the statement: “I always spend too much money on clothes” can also be stated, more positively as: “I’m the kind of person who cares very much about my appearance.” Psychologists have found that re-framing negative statements into positive ones has a startlingly beneficial effect on mood, outlook and even health.

A New Start

Divorce is a way of starting afresh. Look at the positive things in your life – the things you are proud of accomplishing and the people who know and love you. Look at the future as an opportunity, a challenge. Change does not have to be painful – it can be exciting, wonderful and adventurous. Nobody knows what the future has in store, but if you face up to it with positivity and creativity, you will find yourself starting to enjoy life (and relationships) again.

The very word “divorce” carries with it a stigma, in the eyes of many at least. To many people it suggests failure, the inability to keep a marriage together, or some other fault. Hollywood marriages seem to be based less on love and permanence and more on how quickly the marriage will end and who will end up the richer because of it. Divorce lawyers in novels are portrayed as greedy, unethical monsters whose only thought is to how much they can help their client – and thus themselves – rip off the “enemy” – an enemy who was once supposed to be with until death parted us. All in all, divorce has a bad PR agent, to say the least.

But does this have to be the case? With divorce rates soaring worldwide, it might be better to try and look at it in a different light than to resign oneself to being a “failure”. If everyone thought this way, there would be a lot of self-styled “failures” in the world. Instead, one could think of it as a change, an opportunity to start again. It could even be seen as an act of kindness, an opportunity to free both parties from something that one or both of them is unhappy with. With enough ingenuity, the pain of even the most difficult divorces could be softened, if only a little. And the ability to look a few years into the future – and to try and be positive about what you will see there – can give you an alternative to only seeing the short term misery.

This is considerably oversimplified of course, but if one can make even the slightest change in one’s attitude towards what is often a difficult period, it could make enough of a difference to change one’s whole experience.

‘They won’t last long’, is a comment being used more and more these days. Of course back in the good old days couples used to stay together and work through their problems. Whether its today’s society of having no time or whether it’s just the ‘done’ thing, but quickie marriages are often followed by quicker divorces. Some blame can be put on the age of Celebrity glamorising divorce with a marriage break-up seemingly every week. This in turn has made it ‘cool’ in the schoolyard to have divorced parents. But is Divorce a good thing or bad? True, it goes against a number or religious opinions, but surely if being happy means that a couple divorce then it must be a good thing.

Some would argue though, that too many couples take the easy route out. With so many divorce lawyers to pick from, it has never been easier to end an unhappy marriage. Instead of talking things over and working through problems, ‘once happy’ couples are now choosing the ‘easy’ way. Maybe the ‘fast’ society we live in means that couples no longer have the time to spend with each other. Whereas once a wife stayed home and looked after the children and house work, while the husband worked his 9-5 job, nowadays both husband and wife work, often different hours. This in turn means that the marriage suffers and the Divorce Solicitors get another client.

And that is the point, the fact that it is so easy to divorce and start again these days. Who’d heard of a divorce lawyer 30 or 40 years ago? That is why our grandparents are either still going strong after a 50 year marriage or, god forbid, widowed. Because they worked through, spoke and resolved any differences they had. Not because they were happy to, but because they had to, because back then to divorce was to admit failure. Today, to divorce is to do the right thing in the circumstances, which often makes it the easy way.

No matter how much you try, the arguments you have when you are contemplating divorce will affect your children in some way. Most children of divorced parents have war stories of hearing their parents’ hushed recriminations in the background while they pretended not to hear. While most parents think to discuss the reason the divorce lawyers are coming in, few remember to confront the issue at its source: why you are arguing.

Most divorcing couples will find a time to sit down with their children and explain divorce. This is a good technique for clearing your children’s confusion about the process of divorce, and can be used to resolve the emotional confusion they feel over seeing their parents argue. Use this time to talk to your children about your arguments, and address the fact that you and your ex are sometimes angry at each other. While instinctively you might want to shield your children from this aspect of divorce, it is something they will be seeing without your knowledge. During your talk, explain that sometimes parents get angry at each other, just like anyone. Let your children see that, in this aspect at least, you are human, while reassuring them that arguments don’t affect your feelings for them.

Your conversation doesn’t have to delve into the deep reasons for your divorce. The source of a child’s puzzlement will be why their parents are angry at each other. Doing this before the divorce solicitors get involved is preferable, mainly because it will explain the situation as it is happening. Remember, it is important to not only explain the process of a divorce, but the things you are going through as their parents. Being open with your children (within their limits of understanding) will save a lot of grief in the long run.

The most common given reason for divorce by the applicant against the respondent is that of ‘unreasonable behaviour’. Unreasonable behaviour covers anything that isn’t specifically detailed in the other main reasons for divorce, such as adultery, but what exactly constitutes ‘unreasonable’ in the unreasonable behaviour?

In truth any form of behaviour from your spouse that you dislike can be cited as unreasonable behaviour, whether it truly is unreasonable or not. For example, if your partner likes to go out drinking once a week, or if they watch too much TV, or if they never pick their clothes up from the floor; all of these can be given as acts of unreasonable behaviour.

Of course this only works if the respondent doesn’t contest the divorce, but most shouldn’t. After all, if they’ve been served with divorce papers clearly the marriage is coming to an end, so there’s little point in contesting the divorce at this stage. To contest the divorce will cost more and will mean a lengthy court battle with both sides having to pay for their divorce lawyers.

Unreasonable behaviour means you and your partner literally no longer get on with each other.

Every person going through divorce is faced with this question. As you and your partner no longer wish to be married, you clearly don’t get on, should one of you move out?

More often than not it’s the man who leaves, with the wife remaining in the matrimonial home, either on her own or with children.

There are two sides to this argument though. One side says leave the house. If you are at odds with your partner and you wish to divorce, remaining in the house will only make matters worse and stress you both. Also your children will pick up on the conflict between you and will be adversely affected.

The other side of the argument says to stay in the house, especially if you have any designs on keeping the house in the divorce. If you move out of the house you lose all rights of access to it, as it’s no longer your home.

However, if you have decided with your partner that after the divorce she will live in the house then you should probably cut your loses and leave her to it sooner rather than later.

There was a time when couples would do anything to avoid getting divorced, such was public opinion on divorcees. If you were divorce, you’d failed at a relationship. You’d made a pledge in front of witnesses to stay with someone ‘until death us do part’ only to break that pledge.

However, social acceptance towards divorce seems to have changed in recent years. It’s become more common for couples to divorce, and divorce younger. Statistics have shown that most marriages fail in the first two years, meaning that generally couples aren’t even giving their marriages a fair shot.

Gone are the days when couples would often celebrate their fiftieth and sixtieth wedding anniversaries. Today if a couple makes it to ten years before seeing a divorce lawyer they’ll have done well.

But times have changed and attitudes towards divorce have changed with them. It’s no longer considered a failure to get divorced, because so many people are doing it. The perception of divorcees has changed with the reality. When once divorcees may have been in their forties and fifties, now most divorcees are in their twenties.

There is no stigma to divorce anymore. Divorce is seen as a sensible way out of a marriage that hasn’t worked.

Everyone knows that you and your ex will be affected by your divorce, and your friends and family will rally round to your support. They’ll offer you comforting words, advice and often the odd night out to help get over your divorce.

Children too are affected by divorce and they usually receive the same kind words and help from family members and friends. They’ll receive treats from both parents too as a way of covering up for the fact that they’re not around as often.

One section of the family that often gets forgotten about during divorce though is the parents of the man, especially when there are children involved. Invariably in a divorce the mother will gain custody of the children and the father will have limited, or sometimes no, access. This means that the mother’s family get to see the children regularly, get to babysit and to go on days out. The father’s family however rarely see the children again, which means that many loving grandparents lose out on access to their grandchildren as a result of divorce.

It should be agreed upon between divorcing couples that even if they can’t get on the grandparents shouldn’t be made to suffer as well. After all, children need their grandparents, both sets of them.